by Dave Thomas
[Check out Dave’s amazing new project straight2dvdmovies.com]
Extract
The month begins and ends with thrillers about people who live their lives through androids or other people while they stay at home. Think Hollywood’s getting a little passive aggressive about people who don’t go out to the movies?
September 4
GAMER
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Gamers control real-life death row inmates as if they were characters in an first-person shooter.
WILL IT SUCK?
From the guys who gave you Crank and Crank 2, so expect lots of stylized action…and not much else. Interesting cast: Gerard Butler, Michael C. Hall, Zoe Bell, Alison Lohman, Milo Venitmiglia, John Leguizamo, Keith David, Kyra Sedgwick, Efren Ramirez, Sam Witwer, and Chris ‘Ludacris” Bridges.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Probably about as well as any late summer/early fall action flick (like, say, Crank). $28mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
I’m not sure the Academy knows what a gamer is.
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EXTRACT
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Factory Space
WILL IT SUCK?
Mike Judge (Office Space, Idiocracy) has a proven track record. Cast is hot: Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Ben Affleck, Kristin Wiig, J.K. Simmons, and David Koechner.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Will probably do well for a Mike Judge film, which isn’t very good. $20mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If they didn’t recognize Office Space…
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CARRIERS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
You know those tough who lives/who dies decisions you have to make during a zombie attack? Same ones generally come up during a global viral outbreak.
WILL IT SUCK?
Impossible to tell. It didn’t get a release date until star Chris Pine made it big in some Star Trek movie. Writing/directing team fairly fresh on the scene. Trailer looks scary as hell (although, as usual, they ruin it with that stupid post-credit “scare” shot).
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I don’t know that Chris Pine fans (is that a thing yet?) are going to necessarily be psyched about a horror film. $15mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Not unless Meryl Streep is playing the virus.
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ALL ABOUT STEVE
(Delayed from March)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Sandra Bullock stalks Bradley Cooper. But, you know, in a cute way.
WILL IT SUCK?
You lost me at “from the writer of License to Wed.” And the supporting cast looks much more interesting than the leads: Thomas Haden Church, Ken Jeong, DJ Qualls, Keith David, M.C. Gainey and Jason Jones. Can they make the movie with just them?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Not sure why this was delayed, but now that Bradley Cooper has arrived (thank you Hangover) and Sandra Bullock has returned (thank you Proposal) this seems a more likely slam dunk. $54mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Bullock might go for it in The Blind Side in November, but not here.
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NO IMPACT MAN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy tries to live without a carbon footprint for a year. Drives his family crazy.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. By the way, this used to be a blog.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It won’t quite be An Inconvenient Truth. $500,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
It won’t quite be An Inconvenient Truth.
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September 11
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9 (September 9)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The last remaining form of life on Earth teams up with eight others like himself to battle our new robot masters.
WILL IT SUCK?
If it’s at all like the Academy Award-nominated short on which it’s based, it should be pretty cool. Same writer/director, with an assist from a Corpse Bride and Monster House co-writer.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Good on ’em for scoring the 9-9-09 release date ahead of Rob Marshall’s adaptation of the musical Nine, but Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballls the following week will suck up that oxygen right quick. $20mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
An easy sell for Best Animated.
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TYLER PERRY’S I CAN DO BAD ALL BY MYSELF
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Taraji P. Henson gets stuck mentoring some kids who tried to break into Madea’s house. Oh, and she meets some hot latin boarder.
WILL IT SUCK?
Overlooking for a moment that the url for the film’s Web site spells out ICANDOBADMOVIE.COM, I’m sure Henson will be magnificent.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is a little bit of an issue the following week but, let’s face it, Perry’s only getting stronger. Throw in Mary J. Blige singing the title track and this could be Perry’s first title to break $100 mil. $101mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Currently, Perry’s highest-rated work on IMDb is an episode of House of Payne.
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SORORITY ROW
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
I Know What You Did Last Semester
WILL IT SUCK?
The only point of interest in this remake of The House on Sorority Row is that Rumer Willis is now old enough to star in a remake of The House on Sorority Row.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Whiteout provides a little bit of competition this week, but far more comes from Jennifer’s Body the next. $19mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
There are probably enough films released each year to have a Best Horrror Remake category, but why would you?
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WHITEOUT
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kate Beckinsale investigates strange goings-on at a scientific research base in Antarctica.
WILL IT SUCK?
Apparently this Dark Castle production’s been around for a while (it was promoted at Comic Con 2007), which is not a great sign. A worse sign is that half the writers did House of Wax and The Reaping, two other Dark Castle titles. And Dark Castle titles tend to suck. That’s the other bad sign.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Pretty much in the same pickle as Sorority Row, but with a name actress. $25mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No.
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BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Reporter gets himself put on trial to expose a corrupt D.A. (Michael Douglas). Guess how well that goes.
WILL IT SUCK?
I’ve always had a soft spot for director Peter Hyams, even though he hasn’t done anything special since Running Scared. Here he reteams with Douglas for the first time since The Star Chamber. Early buzz is relatively good. Getting the same rating on IMDb as the 1956 film upon which it’s based. With Amber Tamblyn and Orlando Jones.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Probably the biggest cast of any limited release around. $3mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
That’s okay. They didn’t like the original, either.
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WHITE ON RICE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Middle-aged man competes with younger co-worker for the affections of a younger woman.
WILL IT SICK?
Early buzz is off the heezy. No synopsis is really gonna do this justice, so you should just check out the trailer. You’ll recognize James Kyson Lee as Ando from Heroes.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Distributor Variance has really got its work cut out for it without any major studio or festival support, it may just come down to word of mouth, which should be solid. $1mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
The same way they remember other quirky comedies like Napoleon Dynamite.
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September 18
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CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy invents machine that makes food fall from the sky. CG animated version of the children’s classic.
WILL IT SUCK?
What little footage has trickled out is getting good buzz. From the minds behind Clone High (heard it was good) and a few How I Met Your Mother‘s (know that’s good) and Extreme Movie which, to be fair, had about 352 writers.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Is it just me or is it brilliant to release this in September with virtually no other kid’s competition? $125mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
I think the Best Animated category is still pretty wide open.
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JENNIFER’S BODY
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Demon-possessed cheerleader (Megan Fox) starts devouring boys while mentoring the (in my opinion, way hotter) class ugmo (Amanda Seyfried).
WILL IT SUCK?
Even more interesting to me than Juno scribe Diablo Cody writing the screenplay is Karyn Kusama (Girlfight, and let’s forget about Aeon Flux) directing, because how many times do you have a horror film written and directed by women?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Teen audience compromised by Fame the following week, but this has Megan Fox. $40mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Even a Diablo Cody horror script will run up against the Academy anti-horror bias.
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LOVE HAPPENS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Self-help guru (Aaron Eckhart) falls for self-help attendee (Jennifer Aniston).
WILL IT SUCK?
I got concerned when I saw that the writers penned Dragonfly. And when will Judy Greer graduate from best friend status?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I won’t say Aniston is unstoppable, but it’s not a good idea to bet against her. $89mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Well, maybe you can bet against her here.
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THE INFORMANT!
WHAT’S THE PITCH!
The Insider but, you know, funny.
WILL IT SUCK!
Based on the Kurt Eichenwald novel about the true crime Archer Midland Daniels price fixing scandal. His Enron book is next up for adaptation. Steven Soderbergh directs, and I’ll pretty much watch anything he makes, even if it sucks. This is looking more like Ocean’s 11, though, than The Good German. The screenwriter co-wrote The Bourne Ultimatum, and the cast – Matt Damon, Tony Hale, Patton Oswalt, Clancy Brown, Eddie Jemison and Paul F. Tompkins – is promising.
By the way, does anyone else think the poster is a 40 Year Old Virgin rip?
HOW WELL WILL IT DO!
Corporate greed movies tend to have a glass ceiling, even with Matt Damon. $50mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME!
The Insider but, you know, without any nominations.
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BRIGHT STAR
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Story of the true-life romance between John Keats and Fanny Brawne, the inspiration for his eponymous poem.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is the best writer/director Jane Campion has had since The Piano. Better, if you believe IMDb, where this is her top-rated film.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Another strong woman on the indie horizon in Coco Before Chanel, and that one’s played by Audrey Tatou. $1mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Campion’s been to the show and has the Best Original Screenplay Oscar to prove it. Abbie Cornish, who plays Brawne, could be in for some Academy love, especially if the film does better than I predict.
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THE BURNING PLAIN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Interracial, forbidden love ensemble piece.
WILL IT SUCK?
Written and direced by Guillermo Arriaga, who wrote all those kick-ass Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu flicks (not to mention The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada). Early buzz is split. Some like it better than the work he did for Inarritu. Some really don’t.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Best bet would be to play up the Inarritu angle, even though the two famously split post-Babel. $3mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
With better reviews, the presence of two Oscar winners (Charlize Theron and Kim Basinger) in lead roles might make more of a difference. As it is, seems more of a long shot.
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PARIS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Ensemble piece in which a dying man observes the lives of those living around him in, uh, some city in France.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Nominated for Best Picture, Best Supporting Actress, and Best Editing at the Cesar Awards (French Oscars).
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
You know what French movie is going to make some scratch this month? Coco Before Chanel. $500,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Not to beat a dead horse, but Coco has just as much chance to be France’s foreign language submission.
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September 25
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SURROGATES
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
In a world (can you believe I’ve never started a synopsis with that before!? It’s so exciting!) where people live their lives through android avatars, one man (Bruce Willis, natch) must figure out how someone is killing real people by killing their robot counterparts.
WILL IT SUCK?
Director Jonathan Mostow has done some good thrillers (U571, Breakdown) and the writers have done a good thriller (The Game) and some not so much (The Net, Catwoman). They all worked on Terminator: Rise of the Machines which was okay, so…probably a good premise not exploited to its full potential is what we have in store.
Oh, and if I were Bruce Willis choosing my surrogate I would not choose that hair. Or Ving Rhames‘.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Not much in the way of action right now, so this could stand a chance. $50mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No, but how many Academy members do you think would send their 20-year-old surrogates in their place to the ceremony if they could?
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FAME
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Step Up 2 the Remake
WILL IT SUCK?
The original Fame was directed by Alan Parker (Mississippi Burning, Pink Floyd: The Wall, The Commitments). This one was directed by a guy who did some Pussycat Dolls eps. And with that, we know why this film is being remade.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
People watch that Pussycat Dolls shit. $59mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
The original Fame was nominated for six Oscars and won two (Best Music & Song). Somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen here.
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PANDORUM
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Two spaceship crewmembers wake up in deep space with no idea what’s going on. And that’s when the CHUDs come after them. (I don’t know if it’s CHUDs actually, but some bad shit goes down).
WILL IT SUCK?
The involvement of Paul W.S. Anderson at any level makes me suspicious (here he produces), but I love me some Ben Foster and the latest trailer actually looks pretty intriguing.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The horror contingent is pretty well covered this month, and Zombieland is just around the corner. $28mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No, but mark my words, Ben Foster will get a nod someday (he was rumored to be a contender for 3:10 to Yuma).
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COCO BEFORE CHANEL
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coco Begins
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. Director Anne Fontaine (The Girl From Monaco) directs and co-writes with her sister. Audrey Tatou stars as Coco Chanel.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
About as good a shot as any foreign film could hope for, with a recognizable star and subject. $11mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Tatou could get the nod she already deserved for Amelie.
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BRIEF INTERVIEWS WITH HIDEOUS MEN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
In an effort to find out WTF is up with men after her boyfriend suddenly dumps her, a graduate student starts interviewing men for her dissertation.
WILL IT SUCK?
John Krasinski writes and directs based on the novel by David Foster Wallace. Could be worth it just to see some of these interviews. Subjects are portrayed by the likes of Timothy Hutton, Bobby Cannavale, Will Arnett, Will Forte, Christopher Meloni, Josh Charles, Frankie Faison, and Krasinski himself. Early buzz is mixed.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I think normally the combo of Krasinski and Wallace would be catnip to the arthouse crowd, but with these reviews, that might be tempered a bit. $750,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Again, the reviews hurt.
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THE BOYS ARE BACK
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Recently widowed man (Clive Owen) copes with single fatherhood.
WILL IT SUCK?
From director Scott Hicks, who lost some credibility with No Reservations, but will never really lose credibility after Shine. From a guy who wrote Prime Suspect 2 for British TV, so he has to be good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
With a feel-good trailer like this, I could actually see this being marketed wide. $7mil.
Next Month: Michael Moore, The Coen Brothers, and (seriously this time) Ricky Gervais. And that’s just the first week.
