by Dave Thomas
Burn After Reading
For some reason, Hollywood has decided to release fifteen movies a week (except the first week) in September.
SEPTEMBER 5
BANGKOK DANGEROUS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Nicolas Cage plays a hitman who loves his job and doesn’t do anything to jeopardize it. Nah, just kidding.
WILL IT SUCK?
On the one hand, IMDB has this as the highest-rated Pang Bros. (creators of the original The Eye) film yet (it’s an English-language remake, in fact, of their own eponymous film). On the other hand, it’s not being screened for critics. Take a look at this NSFW clip and tell me what you think. I’m personally hoping for gloriously bad.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It’s opening against nothing, which can only mean one thing. It’s the beginning of September and nobody goes to the movies. $18mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Nic Cage: Worst Hair
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EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE ITALIAN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy pretends to be Italian to get with a girl.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Has the indie romcom audience all to itself, but not a lot of marketing. $1mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No.
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MISTER FOE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Jamie Bell stars as the title character, a teen who falls for his stepmom, then accuses her of murder.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. From Young Adam writer/director David Mackenzie.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Young Adam couldn’t get any traction, and that had Ewan McGregor (and his hammer). $1mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If this had a higher profile, I’d say keep an eye on Jamie Bell.
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PING PONG PLAYA
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Jive-talkin’ Asian guy learns to love his inner ping pong player when he’s forced to teach his parents’ class.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good. From the writer/director of Henry Darger doc In the Realms of the Unreal.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
No stars. $500,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No stars.
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A SECRET
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Guy (Mathieu Almaric) reminisces about discovering a horrible family secret while growing up in France during the Nazi occupation.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is pretty good. From writer/director Claude Miller, a name you might recognize if you’re familiar with French cinema, which I am not. Based on the Phillipe Grimbert novel.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Don’t think just having Almaric in the trailer will cut it. $500,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
With better reviews, might be on a French submission shortlist, but I doubt it.
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SEPTEMBER 12
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THE WOMEN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Remake of the 1939 Joan Crawford classic about a woman who finds out her husband is cheating on her. Witty female bonding ensues.
WILL IT SUCK?
The question isn’t so much did you like the original as it is did you like Murphy Brown? That show’s creator, Diane English, worked ten long years on recreating this film and is now in the writer/director’s chair.
Replacing Joan Crawford and the rest of the all female cast of the original are Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith and Eva Mendes as The Skank. Not bad, but I’ve gotta say the lineup for Friends With Money was stronger.
As pitched, this looks like an update of Sex and the City, not a Hollywood classic.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Minus the first week, this is a very crowded September, and Women isn’t even trying to capitalize off the popularity of the original. $35mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Any year other than 1939, the original would have been swimming in nods. This one, not so much.
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BURN AFTER READING
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Coen Bros. bring the funny.
WILL IT SUCK?
It’s the Coen Bros. Do we really need to have this discussion? Adding fuel to the fire is the anticipation of seeing them work with John Malkovich for the first time, plus J.K. Simmons, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand and David Rasche. The red band trailer is pretty hilarious.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Righteous Kill will be an issue, but for all the movies coming out this weekend, it’s the Coens who’ve got Pitt and Clooney. $75mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Coens already done got theirs.
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TYLER PERRY’S THE FAMILY THAT PREYS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Tyler Perry sees white people.
WILL IT SUCK?
More interesting to me than Perry adding people of non-color to his palette is the fact that he’s attracting Oscar winners into his troupe. Kathy Bates plays one of the leads alongside Alfre Woodard, Sanaa Latham, Robin Givens, Cole Hauser and Prison Break‘s Rockmon Dunbar. Will any of this actually make the movie better than any of his other efforts, none of which have received strong critical notice? In spite of a better-than-average trailer, I’m not holding my breath.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The Women will pull just a tad on the demo, but Perry’s track record is pretty solid. $56mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
We’re not there yet.
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RIGHTEOUS KILL
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Al Pacino and Robert De Niro play cops trying to track down a serial killer who may be a cop.
WILL IT SUCK?
Remember it wasn’t just the combo of De Niro and Pacino that made Heat rock. It was De Niro + Pacino + Michael Fucking Mann. Here we have De Niro + Pacino + The Guy Who Directed Fried Green Tomatoes. So I’m not as psyched. However, we also have the guy who wrote Inside Man. So, I’m interested again.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
In the De Niro/Pacino vs. Clooney/Pitt dust up, it’s going to be close. $57mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If they would, Overture would not be releasing a film with these two actors in September.
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TOWELHEAD
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Arab-American Teen
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is good, and I would expect nothing less from writer/director Alan Ball (Six Feet Under, American Beauty scribe). Especially when tackling the hardcore source material by novelist Alicia Erian.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The “well-duh” controversy surrounding the title can only help sell tickets before a flood of indie product arrives the following week.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Look for newcomer Summer Bishil to stand a chance in the lead and Aaron Eckhart to sport a supporting nod in what looks to be one of his creepiest turns yet.
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SEPTEMBER 19
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LAKEVIEW TERRACE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Black cop terrorizes his white neighbor. Awesome!
WILL IT SUCK?
Sam Jackson and Patrick Wilson is strong casting. Period. And I’m curious to see what director Neil LaBute does with the material. Granted, he hasn’t hit one of out of the park since In the Company of Men. But one of the screenwriters wrote Dreamscape. Dreamscape!
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Hard to see this doing better than the similarly-themed Changing Lanes. $34mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Little Children this ain’t.
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MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Jason Biggs hires Dane Cook to look so bad that he looks good to Kate Hudson by comparison. It doesn’t work.
WILL IT SUCK?
Back in the day, director Howard Deutch was helming the girlier selections from the John Hughes oeuvre like Pretty in Pink and Some Kind of Wonderful. Later he would direct sequels to movies that probably didn’t need them, like Grumpier Old Men and The Whole Ten Yards. This looks more like the latter.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Is there any reason this should do better than Good Luck Chuck? Kate Hudson, you say? Fair enough. $44mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Remember when Kate Hudson was an Oscar nominee?
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IGOR
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Remember the Mad Science Fair from that one episode of The Tick? Well, this is what would happen if an assistant entered.
WILL IT SUCK?
From writer Chris McKenna, who’s penned some American Dad‘s. I don’t usually pay attention to the voice cast, but you gotta love Eddie Izzard playing a character named Dr Shadenfraude.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
It is best not to underestimate family fare in September, especially when it has no competition. $71mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
I think Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda have got that covered.
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GHOST TOWN
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Kind of like The Sixth Sense meets Always. But funny.
WILL IT SUCK?
When David Koepp writes and directs (Stir of Echoes, Secret Window), he tends to be more consistent than when he just writes (everything from Carlito’s Way to The Shadow). Here he’s co-writing with Zathura scribe John Kamps. So there’s potential.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Can Ricky Gervais open a film? Under ideal conditions, yes. With fifty million competitors, not so much. $26mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No. But he deserves a nod for the series finale of Extras, even though it wasn’t a movie.
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THE DUCHESS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
True story of an 18th Century duchess (Keira Knightley) who ended up in a loveless marriage. I understand that happened occasionally back then.
WILL IT SUCK?
Strong cast: Along with Knightley you’ve got Ralph Fiennes and Charlotte Rampling. Some good scribes up in here, too. The guy who wrote Stage Beauty and Casanova joins the guy who wrote After the Wedding.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The last two times they put Knightley in an indie period piece, it worked out well. $20mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Knightley got a Best Actress nod for Pride and Prejudice and while she wasn’t nominated for Atonement, the film was, seven times over including Best Picture.
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APPALOOSA
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Ed Harris & Viggo Mortensen vs. Jeremy Irons, Western-style.
WILL IT SUCK?
Did I mention Ed Harris is directing, too? Yeah. It’s like that.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Even in wide release, Westerns are a tough sell. $14mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Let’s see. The last time Ed Harris directed a movie, Marica Gay Harden won an Oscar and he got a Best Actor nod. Oh, and this has little miss nod-bait Renee Zellwegger up in here, too.
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BATTLE IN SEATTLE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Stuart Townsend’s retelling of the events of November/December 1999 when demonstrators and police clashed at the World Trade Organization meeting in Seattle.
WILL IT SUCK?
The writing/directing debut of Townsend, whom you might know from such films as Queen of the Damned and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Or not. Early buzz is good.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The question is, do people still have an interest in this event? $6mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If Bobby couldn’t generate politicized event heat with its thousand actors, I don’t see this ensemble doing any better.
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ELITE SQUAD
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Two brothers enter the Rio de Janeiro military police.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed about the latest from co-writer/director Jose Padilha. Audiences seem to think it’s even better than his Onibus 174, while critics have a more mixed response. Note: One of the writers penned City of God. Let the Fernando Meirelles comparisons begin.
Took the Golden Bear at Berlin and won just about every Cinema Brazil Grand Prize category out there.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Unless these films get huge buzz, nobody sees them. $500,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
I think he’s one or two films away from that, unless Brazil decides to submit this for Best Foreign.
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A THOUSAND YEARS OF GOOD PRAYERS
(Delayed from July)
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
The latest from Wayne Wang has a father (Henry O) visiting his daughter in the States as she goes through a divorce.
WILL IT SUCK?
Director Wayne Wang started out great guns with The Joy Luck Club and Smoke then took the express to Suckville with limp romantic comedies like Maid in Manhattan and Last Holiday. This appears to be a return to form.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
I don’t see how moving this to an even more crowded weekend is going to help. $250,000.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Even Smoke didn’t get any Academy love.
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SEPTEMBER 26
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MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Spike Lee gets his WWII on.
WILL IT SUCK?
Suspiciously-timed criticisms of Clint Eastwood aside, Spike Lee is still one of the strongest filmmakers out there, and I’m curious to see what he does with the war genre. James McBride adapts his own novel. And Derek Luke, John Leguizamo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt should make for a powerful cast.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Well, it’s not exactly going to beat Eagle Eye, but, given good word of mouth, it should be able to grind out a decent living. $34mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
That’s the idea, but I’m not sure it’s going to happen.
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EAGLE EYE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
B-List Enemies of the State
WILL IT SUCK?
You know what? D.J. Caruso did a good job with Disturbia and a heckuva job with Salton Sea (and, yes, I’m totally ignoring Taking Lives and Two for the Money). I actually like Shia LaBouef and am continually impressed with Michelle Monaghan so I’m happy with the casting. Writers are basically unkown, though two of them are working on the Warriors remake. I don’t know if that makes me happy or sad. Probably sad.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The closest thing you’ll get to an event movie in September. $69mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
No. But can we get Monaghan some retroactive love for Gone Baby Gone?
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NIGHTS IN RODANTHE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Richard Gere and Diane Lane are swallowed by a prehistoric bird. No. Wait. I’m being told that’s incorrect. Actually, they fall in love at a beach house. (You can pretty much see the entire movie in trailer form here.)
WILL IT SUCK?
The director did Lackawanna Blues, which is supposed to be pretty damn good. Narnia scribe Anne Peacock is on board with Intolerable Cruelty writer John Romano. Based on a novel by Notebook author Nicholas Sparks. And that’s where I tune out.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
The field is not exactly void of romantic films right now, but if they keep playing that Notebook card it might help. $44mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
There’s probably another Unfaithful in Diane Lane’s future, but this ain’t it.
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THE LUCKY ONES
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Three Iraq War vets (Tim Robbins, Rachel McAdams, Michael Pena) who’ve just met go on a road trip.
WILL IT SUCK?
From the writer/director of The Illusionist, which didn’t suck (he also directed Interview With the Assassin, which you should check out). Early buzz is good. Psyched about the cast. Trailer makes it look pretty cheesy, but for the aforementioned reasons I’m willing to give it the benefit of the doubt.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Why are they releasing this wide? You don’t release Iraq War films wide. That’s just the way it is right now. $13mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If I thought the Academy was comfortable with Iraq as a topic (outside of docs) and the trailer looked less cheesy, I’d say maybe.
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BLINDNESS
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
An epidemic of blindness leads to the victims being quarantined and going all Lord of the Flies on each other while Julianne Moore, who’s faking blindness to stay with her stricken husband (Mark Ruffalo) er, looks on.
WILL IT SUCK?
Early buzz is mixed, which is disappointing since this is Fernando (Constant Gardener, City of God) Meirelles we’re talking about here. The writer’s no slouch, either, having penned the decent-but-unseen Childstar. Gael Garcia Bernal is up in here, too, but apparently that didn’t help.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Maybe pick a less crowded weekend. Maybe go limited, too. $31mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
If it had got better reviews, maybe.
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CHOKE
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
Based on a Chuck Palahniuk novel, so expect some maleness.
WILL IT SUCK?
The writing/directing debut of “Hey! It’s That Guy!” stalwart Clark Gregg (the S.H.I.E.L.D. recruiter in Iron Man). Although combining Sam Rockwell and Palahniuk was all I needed to hear. Early buzz is good, including a Special Jury Prize at Sundance.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
Fight Club didn’t do all that well, and that had Brad Pitt. $9mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Maybe Sam Rockwell (it would be about damn time). Maybe Adapted Screenplay?
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FIREPROOF
WHAT’S THE PITCH?
“Faith-based” story about a firefighter (Kirk Cameron) with a failing marriage.
WILL IT SUCK?
In case you were wondering, “faith based” is code for “We think you should accept Jesus, okay?” From the makers of surprise we-think-you-should-accept-Jesus hit Facing the Giants.
HOW WELL WILL IT DO?
No reason for it not to do as well as Giants. It just won’t be a surprise this time. $14mil.
WILL ANYBODY REMEMBER IT AT OSCAR TIME?
Now that would be a surprise.
Next Month: Before we elect a new president, Oliver Stone wants you to take another look at the current one.
