Have you ever wanted to slather poisonous, chemical-laced sludge all over your face and body? How does running an obstacle course made of jagged, sharp old car parts (“curated by some of Brooklyn’s best makers”) sound to you? Maybe you’d like to sit in a teepee made of old garbage and inhale the noxious fumes generated by burning whatever shit we’ve been dumping in one of America’s worst superfund sites for the previous century. Well, now you can!
The company responsible is Urban Organics™ – The Survival Spa, which as far as I can tell is unrelated to Urban Organic, the grocery delivery service. They posted the following on Craigslist:
Enjoy a total immersion health and wellness spa experience on the banks of the humble and gritty Newtown Creek, a narrow waterway separating Brooklyn from Queens, in New York City. Steeped in history and a century of environmental abuse the creek is a symbol of opportunity and a place for urban, nature enrichment. Come with us as we harvest the bounty that the placid shores of the Newtown creek yields. Learn how to reuse, recycle, and repurpose many of the things found along the way into useful, effective solutions for everyday health and wellness needs.
We will get you in touch with your urban soul, with urban soil!
Indulge yourself in DIY spa treatments from coal ash body contour wraps to chemodermabrasion facials. Get in a vigorous fitness session on the obstacle course, constructed of 100% recycled automotive parts curated by some of Brooklyn’s best makers. The day of urban nature exploring culminates with a sweat lodge on the edge of the water, where a 99.3% voc free tent (made from 100% biodegradable shopping bags) enshrouds you. A fire made from actual dried bricks of mud from the creek itself sputters and sparks a warming, organic glow.
Feel renewed and reinvigorated with a knowingness that to live in the city, you must become the city. Breathe it in. Let it embrace you and spark that inner fire, so that you KNOW that you are greater and stronger than the earth itself, and all she throws at you. Light refreshments served.
Release the fire! Sign up today. Singles 3 hr sessions $150. Couples $275.
Group rates available. Please inquire.
N/B: This is probably a joke. We’ve reached out to the ad’s poster for comment.