Hipster olds are invading your precious Brooklyn

Old people: what won’t they ruin? As if ushering George W. Bush into office (twice), bankrupting Social Security, and racking up so much goddamn debt that most young people will work until the day we die to pay it off weren’t enough, old people are now literally invading our turf.

Sonja Sharp of the New York Observer writes on April 1 that Brooklyn is experiencing an “invasion of grandmothers.” But why? What does Brooklyn have that the olds want? Is it artisanal coffee? DIY music venues? Farm-to-table vegan bistros? Homebrewing workshops?

According to a broker quoted in Sharp’s article, it’s all of the above:

I think the grandparents come, and they fall in love with the borough, and they see that they can have a more interesting life in Brooklyn than they would in Westchester.

No shit, Sherlock! Westchester blows. That’s why cool people (i.e. “not olds”) don’t live there. We live here. If olds start living here, their Werther’s Original-loving asses will drain away all the coolness. Where will we go then?

Another broker elaborates:

There’s a couple of buyers I’ve worked with in the past year that were aiming for Williamsburg, Bushwick and Greenpoint, specifically because they wanted to be part of the emerging art scene. They’re very aware of the assets of living in the city, and they want to be connected to the restaurants and the art scene and the community.

Uggghhh, olds, you are the worst sorts of hipsters. On the plus side, at least Brooklyn’s current crop of young gentrifiers will have somebody to point the finger at the next time Spike Lee gets going. These olds are rich as shit and will soon be pricing only-kind-of-rich young people out of their neighborhoods:

Half of the people that I’m dealing with are straight-up cash buyers—they’re jettisoning their palatial four-bedroom compound, pulling all of their equity out of there and using a quarter of it. People in Connecticut are selling a $4 million home with acreage that they raised their kids in, and they’re using a million of it in cash to buy a super comfortable glass box in the sky.

Sharp’s article does note that the olds aren’t all moving to Brooklyn for purely selfish reasons. Some olds are moving here to take care of their grandkids, because their own shitheel children are too busy with their make-believe careers (what the fuck does a “high-level member of Heidi Klum’s staff” even do?) to actively raise their hellspawn offspring. In a way, though, this is still the olds’ fault; if they hadn’t raised their kids to be such irresponsible, entitled little shits, they wouldn’t have this problem in the first place!

Basically: fuck old people.

-@dogstoevsky

Comments

  1. wow. you’re awful.

    • Taylor Wofford says:

      Thank you, Kyle.

      • No, really. Kyle is right. You’re a bad writer and a mediocre troll. But what shines through both is that you’re an awful person. I was worried you were walking away not understanding that, so let me back up Kyle on this.

  2. Ann Harlow says:

    Hilarious! I’m old and as soon as my “spawn” give me a grandchild I’m moving to Brooklyn.

  3. Your mother is ashamed of you and is cutting off your monthly allowance.

    • Taylor Wofford says:

      Actually, Chris, my mother IS probably ashamed of me, but for unrelated reasons.

      And my income from writing for this fine website allows me to live a life of care-free leisure sans any maternal contributions.

      Thank you.

  4. Bobby Moses says:

    So why all the fawning pieces about the older-than-Cher’s-tampax-hamper Bill Murray? Hypocrites.

  5. The writer of this article invaded our neighborhood, which at one time was a small village of actual artists, and ruined it. Then, the kids of the well-heeled showed up, now their parents are coming. And he’s complaining.

    We moved into abandoned industrial spaces and didn’t displace anyone. Can you say the same?

  6. Wiliamsburg SUCKS. I’ve been here too long. I’m moving to Westchester. So much cooler.

  7. Old people suck but Williamsburg hipsters can burn in the hell of their own bitchness. Your just mad cuz your grandparent don’t like your faggot hipster ass. I used to fuck Berkeley bitches with b- mugs everyday. You ain’t better than the olds you look like your 45 hypocrite. And you just a lucky bitch who’s dick u suck t p get paid for that writing!?

  8. Can’t wait to get to Brooklyn. But seriously, we didn’t bankrupt Social Security. Our parents did. They paid in about a nickel and got back about $200,000. And they voted themselves (through their compliant congresspersons) the benefits you’re stuck with today. Many of today’s 65-year olds will be dead before they suck up too many benefits.

  9. Hipsters are fuckheads when it comes to their nasty reject dogs. Get a leash and a clue stinking hipsters!

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