To the woman playing hard-core iPod porn on the L train this morning, thank you for such an entertaining journey under the East River. Seriously folks, from approximately Lorimer St. to 3rd Avenue, this woman was playing some serious, butt-humping porn and yelling at her iPod, giving some twisted commentary that could be heard from both sides of the train. “Oh, here we go, here we go, THERE YOU GO, GET IT, GET IT, OHhhhhhh Damn, let’s get a close-up, zoom in, wake up New York check this shit out, close-up New York City!!!”.
Passenger reactions varied. The woman closest to this iPod looked like she was about to throw up. Next to her, a 17-year old kid pretended to read his book, but he was really just staring over the pages, watching some 9-incher pound its way through the L-train walls. Behind me, some dude egged the whole thing on, and it made it all the more hilarious. “Thank you for playing that right now”, he said with a laugh. She loved the encouragement, and at one point offered to act it out, even starting to straddle the dude next to her. And then, just like that, the scene ended. We hit 3rd avenue, and our friend announced, “That’s it! Show’s over New York!”, packed her iPod away, and things returned to their normal, sleepy bubble a few yards under Manhattan.
I wish I had taken a picture to share with y’all. But then again, I’m glad I didn’t. That poor, mid-level executive standing behind that glistening bare-ass would’ve seen herself later today in an e-mail from co-workers, and she would’ve cried. And now, now I can go get my coffee.