Big News: National Politics Next Door!

This message is for Caroline Kennedy, who’s vying to become our new Senator, replacing Hillary. Everyone else, please skip this post. Go read about Crystal Castles or some shit.
Ok, now that we’re alone, Caroline Kennedy, why didn’t you stop by to check out my apartment yesterday?! You realize, I literally live RIGHT NEXT DOOR from Cono’s O’Pescatore, where you met with Vito Lopez, the “old-school Democratic boss of Brooklyn”, to talk about your new job (you hope). Don’t you realize I have some sweet XBox games? I’ve also got a couple half-opened bottles of white wine that we could’ve killed before you drove/flew back to wherever you came from. Also, my girlfriend’s got a sweeetz salt water fish tank that you would’ve loved. Do you like starfish? I bet you do. But if not, I also had Goldfish that we could’ve snacked on while watching day-time TV. I freaking love Goldfish.
Ben Smith is also reporting that Vito said, “I found Ms. Kennedy to be very knowledgeable and committed to many issues that are important to me. These issues include housing, education, environmental protection, and economic development.” Yea? Well guess what Caroline. I would’ve found you knowledgeable and committed to many issues too! Like, don’t you think we should get that Kent Ave. bike lane approved? Totally. And how about term limits for Mike? He should chill out, right? And tax the bridges?! Please. Caroline, we’d get along just fine, cause you had those freaking fantastic homemade noodles that Cono’s makes.
And in case you’re wondering what else Vito said, here you go:

“Ms. Kennedy was extremely personable and displayed a great understanding of these important issues, as well as a strong commitment to work on them as a U.S. Senator. Based on our meeting and a prior brief discussion, I am endorsing her candidacy for U.S. Senate and will be soliciting support throughout the City and State on her behalf. I look forward to working with Ms. Kennedy as the next U.S. Senator from New York.”

Boom! Consider yourself endorsed.


  1. as an obamaite i think that Kennedy represents the change that Obama sought. She is a political outsider who has not been entrenched with politics in the past.
    Kennedy for Senate!!!

  2. are you kidding?? c-k for senate is an aristocratic notion of entitlement that runs contrary to everything that obama represents.

  3. Don’t you know Caroline only goes for the Double Chocolate Milanos? Goldfish are only for us commonfolk.
    Seriously, while I think that Kennedy is more qualified than many make her out to be, I’m disappointed that Nydia Velasquez, who has paid her dues in the House for our area for quite some time and should have been considered, has pulled out of the running.

  4. I also read that Kuomo’s quite po’d.

  5. I will totally bring over some Xbox games while pretending to be a wannabe senator.

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